Thursday, July 23, 2009

My Phone. My Fucking, Fucking Phone


What is one of the most unfriendly places for a cell phone?
*ding fucking ding*
Guess where mine is at this very moment?

Guess how I used some mad detective skills to solve this fucking crime?
My cell was ringing earlier this evening. I will admit to accusing my offspring, Butter, of "hiding it in a secret place." I used a cajoling tone of voice when I asked him about this. He said he had no idea where the phone might be HIDING.

Whatever.

The Pack Mule? He hrumphed about the ringing. And hrumphed as though I'm the only person alive who's misplaced something. Whatever to him as well.

It's almost fucking 2am here, people.

I couldn't go to sleep without finding my cell. Which brings me to this admission.

I started a load of laundry.
Figured out that the HOUSE FUCKING PHONE hasn't been ringing for over a month because SOMEONE unplugged it.
Plugged in the fucking house phone, called my fucking cell phone, heard NO FUCKING RINGING when I HAD heard MUFFLED ringing earlier this evening.
AND realized it was in the fucking washing machine that was happily chugging away like the fuckhead workhorse it is.
Fuck you very much.
Fuck you phone.
Fuck you too big shorts that allowed my beloved phone to fall out of the pocket and into the towels I gathered and threw into the fucking ass machine after giving Butter his second shower of the day.

Fuck you.

Now I'm going to have to start my day at FUCKINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG Verizon tomorrow. NO! Today. TODAY.

Gah.

And forget telling me to be nice. I know I'm already up for a "new phone" -whatever that is. I hate it when cell phone places act as though they're doing you a favor; a favor for which YOU PAY THEM.
I'm sure there will blogger fodder after my time in the Oasis of Hell. I'll have to pack snacks, drinks, and a catheter for Butter. There is no way I'll leave my place in line to take him to go potty.
PS
Start emailing those damn numbers to me again. I'll have to REPROGRAM EVERYTHING once I get another overpriced piece of plastic. Bastards.
UPDATE:
I am such a fucking drama queen. Holy shit. I could put Shirley McClain's performance in Terms of Endearment to SHAME if I'd had a video of me at 2am this morning.

Ahem.

I slept almost none.
I didn't find the phone in the washer last night because once I realized that was the only place it could be, it was FILLED with nasty sludge soap water with all the dirty paraphernalia in there.
I got this morning, resigned to give that phone a proper burial. Imagine my surprise when I stumbled upon NOTHING when I put the load of towels in the dryer? No phone? Are you kidding me here?
I got onto the newly-working house phone (fuck you, again), called it, and THIS TIME HEARD A RING. How could that be?

I say again, HOW COULD THAT BE?

Don't you know it was on the front porch. On the GODDAMN FRONT PORCH.

Once again, Drama Queen here, signing off. Thanks for coming to the latest performance that is my life.

9 comments:

Lil Sis said...

ugh, ugh ugh....off to verizon you go, CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW!!!

Good luck, it was me calling you when it was in the washer I think:)

Lil Sis said...

freakin' hilarious.....CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?!?!?!?

So Not Wishy Washy said...

You are getting smacked! Can you believe that shit?

Honib1 said...

rockin' new house sister.. love it..

love the cell phone story too..
At least u did not put it in the freezer..

YELLOWDOG GRANNY said...

you are so fucking nuts...

Big Pissy said...

OMG! I can't believe you found it after all that! LOL

Melissa said...

LOL nice.

About a year ago, my mom was visiting me. She had to go to the bathroom, so I showed her to the master bathroom. While she was in there, I was getting some information on my computer...Soon enough I hear flushing and then a splash followed by my mom saying "aw shit aw shit aw shit"...

She flushed the toilet and was turning to wash her hands when the phone fell out of her pocket and into the toilet.

It didn't work for the rest of the night - she found a website that instructed her to remove the battery and wrap it in a washcloth and stick it in the oven and bake it dry...it helped, but it never fully recovered. I sold her my old LG Chocolate and she's been happy since...

Glad you didn't have to go through VZN to get a new phone...! But - if you do - the good news is that most of them now have your address book synched up - and you can synch it to your new phone without having to reprogram... Atleast with my T-Mobile phone - all of the info I put into my phone gets synched up to the website...so if I get a new phone, it can be synched down to the phone!

Not Afraid to Use It said...

That's why I love you. Because you own up to any stupid behaviour you may have had. Love that it was on the porch.

amber said...

It's not funny. Really it isn't. But, I might be giggling. Maybe just a little bit. ;)

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