Friday, August 14, 2009

Confidence


For years and years I was doubtful of myself. Truth be told, I continue to run across that old me from time and time and have to fight her so that I don't become a willing victim of my own history. I'd like to be able to say that I can pinpoint my weaknesses easily. I definitely have a pat answer, easily provided, for interview time when they ask the age-old question, "What is your biggest strength and biggest weakness?"

But in reality, I think mine change from day to day and are greatly dependent on the challenges I face.

A running list: anger, pride, my novice status at forgiveness (I've gotten better with this one.), my penchant for revenge (again, this one has also improved).

Rosalynn Carter is quoted as saying:
Once you accept the fact that you're not perfect, then you develop some confidence.

Too true, Rosalynn. Thank you, dear woman. I doubt she was aware of this insight when she was a fresh-faced 17-year old who'd just met Jimmy, but she's surely stood the test of time and life, learning the toughest lessons while steeling herself in the White House beside her husband and daughter.


For years, I was deluded (mostly by myself) into thinking that I had to be perfect. This started back when I was 15; the day my older sister was killed in a car accident. I blindly told myself that I'd better start being the perfect daughter because I was going to have to make up for the void left behind by my sister's death. I've only told two people about this fact.

As time went on, I realized I couldn't replace the emptiness left by Donna's death. Rather, I realized that I was ok just being me. Am I an overachiever who takes on too much most of the time? Absolutely. But I no longer think that I have to be perfect. I'm not running on the damn hamster wheel killing myself.

I used to walk with false bravado in an effort to "fool" people into thinking I was someone else.

I now walk with courage, conviction, and belief in who I am.

And I'm proud to admit that. It's been a long road.

4 comments:

YELLOWDOG GRANNY said...

i bitch about asshole #1...but in fact if it wasn't for him I wouldn't be the strong independent woman I am today...7 years of being beat down taught me to beat back and not take it any more..so we learn from every thing..the good and the bad...he should be happy too...I didn't shoot him..hahahahahahahah

So Not Wishy Washy said...

Bawwww haaaa ha aaaaaaa!!! Damn skippy! You let the other have it. Whatever works - that's what I say!

CPA Mom said...

after years of therapy, I hope to grow up to be you one day.

amber said...

Good for you for realizing and accepting that perfection just isn't reality. I'm still working on it.

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